Ten Reasons I was Wrong about AmeriCorps NCCC.
I was wrong. You may be shocked. I know I am. I’m essentially flawless, so this really comes as a surprise.
A few months ago I posted about my experience in NCCC. The post was something like Ten Reasons to Cut Americorps NCCC. OK. It was exactly that. But life has been bitch slapping me with some lessons recently, and I thought I’d publish some take-aways. So here are the Ten Reasons I was wrong about NCCC:
Reason 10. The Youth of America are worthless Almost all working Americans are worthless. I thought that my teammates were some of the most useless people I had ever met in my life. Then I started my new job, where people have Master’s Degrees and are adequately compensated for the work they do, and had a revelation. Everyone is stupid and lazy. When I really reflect on it, I can count the people I think have legitimate worth in the workplace on one hand. Everyone is worthless; it’s not just the youth.
Reason 9: There is very little work to be done. I admitted in the original post I thought this wasn’t true. I just thought I wasn’t doing those really important things that needed doing in AmeriCorps. I neglected to reflect on some of the really meaningful service that I did with organizations like the St. Bernard Project. I had to wade through a lot of terrible other projects, but when I reflect on my year I think of how I did get some work done. I will probably spend the next 90% of my working life doing inane shiz, but thank goodness it looks like I can get off on the other 10%.
Reason #8: Government vans. Hmmm… that one stands. Government vans are pretty wasteful. But I’ll spare lectures about the environment and dependance on foreign oil. When I hear people spouting that mess I just close my eyes and imagine running them over in a hummer.
Reason #7: Cargo pants Another year of hoodies! 🙂 In the original post I said the uniforms are ugly, which they are. Also that my team was an ugly and mishappen bunch, which we were. But it should probably be mentioned that I wear my hoodie to the gym on the reg, and not because it’s the only one I own. It should probably also be mentioned that I am a lot less mishappen than I was before AmeriCorps. Those d’bags forced me to workout, and now I’m training for a marathon. It probably wouldn’t have happened without them.
Reason #6: Team Leaders Bosses. If you ever have a good boss, hug them. A lot. Because I have only ever had one. She made me think they were normal. They’re not. Everyone hates their boss because of the aforementioned lack of basic human knowledge and skills mentioned in Reason #10. Team leaders are just idiot bosses. Get used to them. They’re here to stay.
Reason #5: Teammates. Friends. I only keep in touch with two people from my team. This has a lot to do with the fact that I thought they were stupid, lazy, and worthless. It probably has more to do with the fact that I’m a control freak and a bitch. My bad. I wouldn’t endorse that behavior if you’re looking for a good time in AmeriCorps. But I did walk away with a handful of friends that weren’t on my team. And I love the wide range of places they’re from and things that they do. I’m really glad I met them.
Reason #4: Unskilled labor. I learned ish. I probably would have been more helpful in NCCC if I was a carpenter, but now I feel fairly confident I could finish a basement. I don’t know one of my friends that can say that.
Reason #3: We’re volunteers, kinda. Volunteer. I guess since I always surrounded myself with people who volunteered I didn’t understand how much I don’t like people who don’t do it. Volunteer, a-holes. Now I work with people that like to bitch about social injustice, and won’t give blood because it is anti-gay. Very few people stop bitching and actually take action about things they don’t like. Filling out a NCCC application shows more civic engagement than I’ve seen from my annoying “social justice, liberal, I boycott Shell so I’m better than Jesus” co-workers. If you volunteer, even if you’re a lazy schmuck, at least you put your money where your mouth is.
Reason #2: Government employees. Lazy people. Federal employees don’t have a monopoly on sucking balls. I work for a state now, and they manage just fine. And from what I can see there are a loooooot of idiots working in the service sector. Is it so hard to deliver me the correct contact prescription, Atlanta Optical?
Reason #1: $308,000. That’s a lot of money to spend on one team for one round. But now that I make money (more than the teeny stipend), I see that it’s actually not a large sum at all. If I tried my hardest during NCCC (which I’m pretty ashamed to say I didn’t always do) I could say that I did my part in making that expense worth it.
So here’s my thing… NCCC is far from perfect. It could be a lot better. A lot. But so could almost everything I see around me. People are lazy and apathetic. It drives me insane. But just because I have decided humanity blows at striving for excellence doesn’t mean AmeriCorps should be cut as a program. It means that someone with more patience than me should make it the awesome program I believe it could be.
So go do it. Get things done.
WWRD?
I’m sure absolutely no one is interested in my thoughts on Obamacare. Too bad. It was a terrible Monday, and I need to get a little anger out via blog post.
Today a federal judge in Florida ruled that Obamacare is unconstitutional. The healthcare bill says that everyone must have health insurance starting in 2014, and that’s not too kosher with the Florida judge.
The honorable Roger Vinson was the presiding judge. You may know him from some of his other famous ajudications, including a $134 million Shoney’s settlement (that somehow still allowed Shoney’s to remain operational… where’s the justice there?) and the sentencing of financial manager Marcus Schrenker (who attempted to fake his own death by parachuting out of his plane after pulling some classic financial douchebag antics) to four years in federal prison in 2009. Anywho… this guy, Vinson, has some fairly large balls. Instead of simply ruling the provision mandating coverage as unconstitutional under the Commerce Clause, he said “meh, just toss the whole thing.” I respect the hell outta that.
Why be reasonable and follow the precedent set by a federal judge from VA? He was thinking clearly, and asking himself the only question that matters…
WWRD? What Would Reagan Do? It wasn’t “Mr. Gorbachev, could we maybe lower that wall… or possibly clear a pathway?” Eff that. TEAR IT DOWN!
Half ass-ing? Never heard of it.
Ready to be hit with some true callousness on a Monday night after a ridonculously stressful workday?
I say no law. Laws are for stupid people who can’t handle themselves. No insurance mandates. Shit just ain’t cowboy. You know what is cowboy? Letting uninsured people die. Can I sign something at the hospital (or on my tax return) that says my hard earned dollars won’t be used to help pay for some idiot teen to birth yet another uninsured soul into this world? Sorry doctors, but if you want to do no harm to every sad sap that gets wheeled into the ER without an insurance card, why don’t you go ahead and do it on your own dime.
So here’s my thing… Sorry, fellow Americans.I’m saving my pennies so I can buy a Honda Accord. A nice, safe, economical midsize. And I don’t care how many of you have to die to make my reasonable American Dream come true.
Goodnight Moon.
Normally when all else fails the beauty of nature reminds me that life is pretty swell. This week however, nature really cheesed me off. Last night was a lunar eclipse. It was all over social media and the news. With all this talk about the stupid moon, I had no idea what was going on with Justin Beiber yesterday. America, that was not OK. I was awoken by some idiot students smoking the ganga at 2am. My guess is they thought how completely awesome would it be to get baked and watch the moon do that thing? Instead they got me and three police officers rifling through their underwear drawer.
Anywho… Thanks to the thoughtful planning of those students, I was awake at the ungodly hour of 2am. I thought I’d check out the dang moon. Here is what I was expecting:
Ooooh... colorful.
But that was not what I saw. I saw a stupid shadowy moon, but mostly clouds and those damn ganga smoking students crying about their fates atop the parking deck.
So here’s my thing… If you’re going to get busted for smoking weed, you should at least save it for the release of the next Tim Burton film. That shadowy crap certainly wasn’t worth a drug charge.
Worst Week Ever.
Anyone who knows me knows I am a hyperbolic son-of-a-biscuit, but this week really was blowsville. In the interest of time, I’ll give you a rundown of the top five reasons this week was trying to make me give up on life:
5. Brrr… It’s cold in here. I hate the cold. Wah, wah right? You live in Atlanta. It’s not cold there. True story. That’s why I like it here. But this week was cooooold. Cold makes me crazy. Seasonal Affective Disorder ranks high on my list of my undiagnosed ailments. Last winter I tried to sleep in the driveway of a random neighborhood and chain smoke in an abandoned playground. I don’t know if my new coworkers can handle my winter madness yet.
4. Car Break In. Someone broke into my car and stole my credit card. Apparently you shouldn’t leave your wallet in your car in the big city. Lesson learned. I just thank my luck stars that my Taylor Swift CD wasn’t stolen. None of my CDs were actually. That was probably the most embarrassing part of the whole thing. They were all strewn about, and all accounted for. I really need better taste in music.
3. Adventures in Dating. In an effort to meet new people I went on a date with a stranger. It resulted in my suddenly jumping off the couch in a coffee shop and informing my handsy companion that I needed to leave. Who tries to repeatedly cop a feel in a Starbucks? On the first date!?!?
2. FourLOKO happy hour. In a continuing effort to have a social life, I met up with an old friend for happy hour on Friday. It was great to see her, but things took a turn to terrible when she mentioned that fourLOKO was being banned in Georgia. I’ve read so much about it that I informed her I must try it before the midnight ban. After no dinner and almost a full can, I proceeded to make one of the most inappropriate drunk dials of my life then slam my head on the toilet as I became violently ill. That shiz is truly poison.
1. I’m being sued by a very angry Japanese man. Due to an administrative oversight on my part, I was “blessed out” by an angry parent. I’m waiting to be served with a lawsuit sometime soon for making his precious angel miss a class because of a scheduling error. I know when things are my fault… like when some 18 year old chick gets drunk and punches her roommate in the face and is subsequently kicked out of housing. My bad.
So here’s my thing… In spite of the world being out to get me my numerous bad decisions this week, I have a job and some friends. Life is actually pretty great. 🙂
When in defensive driver class…
I’m currently sitting in a defensive driver course at GSU, and that can only mean one thing; it’s time to catch up on my blog!
I recently got a yob and moved to Atlanta. It feels pretty good to be employed, but it certainly leaves a lot less time for some of my more recent hobbies. Sleeping 10 hours a day, obsessively following the Jersey Shore cast, wallowing in self-pity, and blogging have all been put on the back burner. But I have made time for new hobbies such as working 12 hours a day, going on bad dates that will likely get me R-ed, getting lost looking for Trader Joes, and attending thrilling defensive driver courses.
So here I am “listening” to my boring and racist (that’s hard to do) instructor ask the one “Chinese” (or asian) member of class what driving laws are in China or some of my African-American colleagues if it distracts them to eat watermelon while driving. For the record, due to there skill in eating this large fruit, it poses no threat to white drivers. If nothing else comes from this day I’ll know it’s safe to drive in Atlanta.
So here’s my thing… I’m stuck here until noon today, unless I get drunk and drive away.
I Love Facebook
This is seriously old news, but I don’t even care. The Social Network comes out this Friday, and I shall be seeing it.
It is my hope that the older generation of Facebook users will use this opportunity to verse themselves in the history and nobility that is this beloved social medium. Ideally this would be the moment where they hang up their TMI status updates and obnoxious applications, and discover the art of tasteful posting. Same goes for you, drunk girls.
So here’s my thing… This preview seriously makes me pop a little B for FB.
Subversive Literature
Twilight. You may have heard of it. Sparkly, chaste vampires are sooooooo in right now. I’ve read all four of the books. Greatness. I also made it through 1.5 films of Kristin Stewart and her mopey effing face. Terrible. No one is that upset when beholding a jaw line as perfect as R.Pats.
I digress. The point is people love the Twilight franchise. Tweens are all up in that shiz. So I was pretty shocked to hear it made the list of most requested to be banned from US libraries. Quoi?!?
I sort of respect the effort and citizenry required to request literary banishment. Is there a specific request form for such things? More importantly, can I find it online? I’m getting a Kindle for Christmas, so I’d prefer to request censorship from the comfort of home in the future.
The Brits have published a list of our top ten most requested books in terms of public banishment. Here are some other pieces of smut that are besmirching the family values of libraries across this great land:
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group annnnnd black people.
Reasons: Racism, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group annnnd lawyers.
Reasons: Sexism, Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide, Violence annnnnd children.
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group annnnnd I don't know because I spark noted that shizz.
So here’s my thing… If librarians had an ounce of decency they would keep Stepehnie Meyer, the voice of our generation, on book shelves. They can torch the other crap for all I care.
Things I Wish Didn’t Make Me Laugh
God bless Twitter. I may have never happened upon this gem without it.
“Jimi Heselden, the owner of Segway apparently drove one of the personal transport devices off a cliff and into a river. He was killed. Police say they do not suspect foul play.” ~NPR
... off cliffs.
So here’s my thing… hilariously hilarious in both the mental image and irony departments.
No Impact Man
I am visiting an old friend at the lovely University of North Carolina at Wilmington, and I had the opportunity to see one, Colin Beaven, speak about his rise to fame as the No Impact Man. My friend just got a job here, and was very hesitant to take me to see this man. Apparently I am the friend who makes a scene when forced to listen to an hour an a half of inane babble about turning off the air conditioner. Ugh, I hate that sensible friend.
Please buy the non-electronic version of his book.
I didn’t make a scene. Although at one point I had to put my face in my hands, and my friend’s graduate assistant asked me if I was going to be ok.
No sir, I am not. And I will tell you why.
Beavan opened with a sob story about a college student who had interned at a non-profit, but was telling Beaven how he would now pursue his MBA. The student would only be tangentially involved with such things in the future, despite his love of said non-profit. Ah, cognitive dissonance, my old friend. We can’t own a boat and be the hippie do-gooders that our tender hearts tell us to be. Or maybe we can? Beavan didn’t make it clear. What he did make clear was he didn’t use toilet paper, and he didn’t want to talk about it.
So he lived like a hippie in Manhattan for a year, wrote a book, and now lives like a touring author and fossil fuel addict. He did drink water from a jar on stage though, the martyr. Ughhhh… I hate hippies.
You can read his book. Personally, I find Tyra Banks more inspirational. Or you could read this in Newsweek about how human impact means very little to the earth. Even Canadians are skeptical of hippie jargon.
So here’s my thing… Is the No Impact Man supposed to be be a serious literary irony? Pathetic attempt at comedy? Whatever it is, it stole an hour of my life in the birthplace of Dawson’s Creek, and that isn’t ok.
So here's my thing... 